Give volunteers no true responsibilities.
The more responsibility you give volunteers, the more
likely they'll take ownership of the ministry. Confine them to a
limited area of responsibility and nip in the bud any sprouts of
leadership potential. Don't listen to your volunteers' ideas about
your ministry. If they don't take the hint, directly let your team
know you're not interested in their feedback.
Make volunteers serve alone.
Volunteers want community, not just tasks. If you want to
get rid of them, force them into Lone-Rangerhood. If a volunteer
approaches you to express a need for help, tell him or her to buck
Don't provide training.
Assume that everyone who somehow makes it into your
ministry is pre-trained to be a great children's minister and
should already know what he or she is doing. If you feel
sympathetic, send a link to a quick three-minute "training video"
that lets them know how easy their ministry will be or should feel.
If you're pressured into providing training events, focus all your
attention on the cursory how-to's and blitz them with Pointless
Information Overload. Reading the volunteer handbook out loud is a
privately hilarious and super effective way to ensure none of your
volunteers will attend another training event.
Talk down, patronize, belittle.
Saturate all your communication with the message that
volunteers' ministry is just to children. Let them know their
ministry is essentially babysitting and that most of their efforts
won't matter in the long run. Minimize any supposed spiritual
progress that children in their care make. Remind them often that
they're mere volunteers. You, after all, are the professional.
You're the expert. Publicly correct, patronize, and re-educate your
volunteers-in front of other volunteers, naturally, but especially
in front of parents.
Take the parents' side no matter what.
Your volunteers must know that, like the customer,
parents are always right-even when they're wrong. Remember: Since
you don't provide volunteers with training, parents are probably
spot-on when it comes to observing the poor quality of teaching.
Let your new mantra be (always within earshot of your volunteers):
"Well, I guess you get what you pay for!"